


The Good and the Bad

by IlaikHeda



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 00:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19262203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlaikHeda/pseuds/IlaikHeda
Summary: This is a really bad fic. But oh well it’s 1:19 in the morning and I’m bored. XD





	The Good and the Bad

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really bad fic. But oh well it’s 1:19 in the morning and I’m bored. XD

Brendon was getting ready to turn on the tv when his phone starts to ring. Confused, he picks it up.

“Hello?” He asks.

“Mr. Urie?” A male voice asks from the other end of a phone. His voice is too calm.

“Yes. I’m him. What’s going on?”

“Dallon Weekes has had an accident,” the voice says. Brendon’s heart stops. No. No. Dallon never had accidents. No. He gets a sick feeling in his stomach.

“What kind of accident?” He asks, afraid to know the answer.

“I would like to talk to you in person. Come to Central Hospital,” the voice says. He’s too calm. Brendon hangs up. He grabs his keys sprinting out the door. He didn’t care if his parents know where he was going. It’s not like they particularly cared. Ever since they found out he was bisexual they seemed to avoid him. It takes him almost 30 minutes o get to the damn hospital. He can’t seem to catch his breath. Why would Dallon be in the hospital? This is insane. He runs into the front doors and to the front desk.

“Dallon Weekes. I- I’m here for Dallon Weekes,” Brendon manages to get out. He tries to calm himself. It’s probably nothing. Dallon probably just hurt himself at track practice. The nurse looks at him, then back to her computer.

“He’s in room 351,” she says. Brendon jogs to the elevator. He presses the button to the third floor. Damnit. It takes so long for the 3rd floor to get there. Finally it opens. He runs down the hallway, eventually seeing room 531. The door is closed with a man in a black Chaplin shirt on.

“Are you Mr. Urie?” The Chaplin asks. Brendon nods. Why would a Chaplin be talking to him if Dallon just hurt himself at practice?

“Yes. What’s going on?”

“Dallon tried to kill himself. His parents found him, but it was too late. He’s on life support right now. His parents were waiting for you to get here and say your goodbyes,” the Chaplin says sadly. His eyes hold the sadness that won’t show on his face.

“No. No, Dallon wouldn’t do that. He was better. He was doing better,” Brendon protests. This isn’t real. But deep down Brendon knows. He knows Dallon wasn’t doing better. But he couldn’t have done this. This isn’t Dallon. He’s a fighter, he’s never given up before. There’s got to be some mistake.

“He did. I’m so sorry,” the Chaplin says. Brendon doesn’t hear the last of his sentence. He can’t feel anything. No. This isn’t real. He falls on his knees, but he doesn’t feel the sting of the pain. He can feel the Chaplin’s hand on his shoulder, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. He can feel tears streaming down his face. A scream builds in his chest. It’s like he can feel his heart ripping into shreds. Like there is no escape from this sick, twisted reality he has to live in now. Dallon’s gone because Brendon couldn’t help him the way he needed to be helped.

“No! I could have done something! I could- damnit! This can’t be happening! If I could have done something different he wouldn’t be dead,” Brendon screams. He doesn’t care at this point who hears him. He can’t loose Dallon. This isn’t fair.

“Mr. Urie it’s time to say goodbye to him,” the Chaplin says. He helps Brendon stand up. He opens the door to the room Dallon is in. He sees his boyfriend laying in the bed, wires sticking out of him. He has a breathing tube down his throat. Brendon wants to scream. This can’t be happening. The heart monitor keeps a steady rhythm, Dallon’s chest moving up and down every other beep on the monitor. He sees Dallon’s parents in the corner of the room. He walks to his boyfriend, leaning down to wrap his arms around him, his head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I could have helped you. I’m so sorry. Dallon...I love you. I should have told you. Maybe it could have saved you,” Brendon whispers through sobs. Someone pulls Brendon away. A doctor turns off all the machines keeping Dallon alive. Within seconds the heart monitors beeps slow down. Brendon falls against the wall. Dallon’s heart stops. “No,” Brendon sobs again. “No no no no.” He steps back to the body, wrapping his arms back around Dallon, refusing to let go. He can’t be gone. Dallon’s body stills completely, leaving no trace of life. Maybe if he holds on long enough Dallon will come back. Maybe if he tries hard enough, he’ll wake them both up from this nightmare.

“Brendon, I’ll drive you home,” Dallon’s mother says, pulling Brendon off Dallon’s body. She walks with him to his car. They get in, and start the drive home. He doesn’t want to go home. He doesn’t want anything. He’s exhausted, he’s in pain. He can feel bruises forming on his knees from when he fell on them.

“Can you go to Ryan’s house?” Brendon asks. The woman nods. Soon they pull into Ryan’s driveway. She gets out, waiting for her husband, who arrives soon. Brendon knocks on the front door. The door opens.

“Brendon?” Ryan asks as he takes in the boy in front of him.

“He’s gone,” Brendon whispers, looking into Ryan’s eyes. He takes Brendon’s hand and leads him inside, closing the door behind them. Ryan’s dad is asleep in his reading chair, and his mother is still at work. They walk to Ryan’s room.

“What’s going on? Who’s gone?” Ryan asks. Brendon falls against Ryan, making him stagger backwards, his knees hitting his bed. Ryan helps Brendon sit on the bed.

“Dallon’s dead,” Brendon whispers brokenly. Ryan freezes. He’d only known Dallon for a couple years. He transferred to their class in freshman year. How can Dallon be dead? Ryan was sure he was okay now.

“What?”

“He...fuck...he killed himself,” Brendon sobs. In their sophomore year they all made fast friends with a kid named Spencer. He was a year older than them and was into drugs and alcohol. At parties they all had their share of substances, but Dallon seemed to do too much. He became addicted to weed. Brendon at the time was dating Dallon, and through him, Dallon stopped doing drugs. It depressed him though. It killed him.

“When? Oh god,” Ryan says, tears running down his face. Brendon had always been friends with Ryan. They were inseparable, but when Brendon came out to Ryan, Brendon distanced himself, assuming Ryan was going to hate him. That’s why he started dating Dallon. Ryan immediately told Brendon he wasn’t the only one. He came out as bisexual that day. They resumed their close friendship.

“This morning I think. I don’t know. It’s all my fault,” Brendon cries. Ryan holds his hand, making small patterns with his thumb. Since about 8th grade, Ryan has had a crush on Brendon. He’s want to tell him so bad, but it never seemed to be a good time. Now, as Ryan holds Brendon’s hand, he wants to kiss Brendon, to tell him that it’s all going to be okay.

“It’s not your fault. You helped him as much as you could. It’s going to be okay,” Ryan soothes. It hasn’t hit him yet. It seems impossible that Dallon is dead. It doesn’t seem real.

“I wasn’t good enough. He killed him self because he felt he wasn’t good enough. If I had just been good enough...if I had been better...”

“You’re good enough. For Dallon, for anyone.”

“I wasn’t...I’m not. Who the hell would I be good enough for? I wasn’t even good enough to keep someone alive.” Brendon argues. He’s getting upset. Maybe if he was stronger he would have been good enough.

“Anyone...you’d be good enough for me,” Ryan whispers the last part so quietly. Brendon’s heart stops for the second time today. He thought Ryan didn’t like him so he pushed away his feelings. That’s one of the main reasons he started dating Dallon. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“I’d be good enough for you? I’m a broken piece of shit. My boyfriend died because I wasn’t good enough. Why the fu-“

“Yes you’d be good enough for me,” Ryan cuts him off. He’s always been like this. He’s always thought low of himself. It hurts Ryan to see him tear himself down, but Ryan is the same way sometimes.

“Thank god I’m good enough for someone. I don’t know what to do,” Brendon admits. He doesn’t know why he’s talking to Ryan about this. He wasn’t planing on admitting this to Ryan, but why the fuck not?

“About what?”

“You and Dallon. I loved him...but...I didn’t truely love him. I loved the idea of him.”

“How am I a part of that?”

“Because you stopped me from that. The idea of you...I only dated him because I thought you didn’t like me,” Brendon admits. He doesn’t know why he’s saying all this now. Ryan will think it’s just Brendon’s emotions being out of wack. Why is Brendon saying all of this now? He loved Dallon...except he also loves Ryan.

“I didn’t stop you from doing anything-“

“Except you did. If I didn’t fucking love you...damnit. Fuck this. If I didn’t love you Ryan Ross, I could have loved him more, but I was okay with that. I was okay not loving him all the way. Damnit!” Brendon shouts, standing up off the bed, leaving Ryan sitting there, stunned. Brendon Urie loves him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Is all Brendon says. He isn’t angry one bit, just heartbroken over his boyfriend.

“Because of me, you couldn’t love him like you wanted to.”

“I loved him as much as I could...we should tell Spence...” Brendon says, changing the subject. They should talk about this later, when their emotions aren’t controlling them.

“Let’s go then. We’ll tell him in person,” Ryan says walking out the door. They walk to Spencer’s house in silence. Brendon grabs Ryan’s hand. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s broken or if he needs to feel Ryan. They knock on his door. Spencer opens it shortly, letting them in.

“What’s goin’ on? Where’s Dallon?” Spencer asks.

“Spence, Dallons dead,” Ryan says sadly. He can feel his tears again, but he doesn’t care.

“What? There’s no way. Dallon isn’t dead. Cut the shit guys, this isn’t a funny joke,” Spencer says defensively. Brendon looks up at him.

“Why would I joke about Dallon being dead?” Brendon says in a deep voice that’s rough from crying. He looks into Spencer’s eyes.

“No. What the hell happened?” Spencer’s voice cracks.

“He killed himself,” Ryan says quietly.

“If you wouldn’t have offered him drugs when we went to that party none of this would be happening. He got addicted because of you!” Brendon cries, lunging at Spencer, but Ryan wraps his arms around Brendon, keeping him away.

“It’s not my fault he got addicted. Sure I offered it to him, but he could have said no. He chose to do it. No one made him do it. You two didn’t even do it that night,” Spencer defends himself. Brendon knows he’s right. This isn’t Spencer’s fault, but Brendon needs someone else to blame. He needs to feel anger towards someone because it takes away from his own pain.

“He-“ Brendon starts but can’t finish because he’s crying too hard. This can’t be real. It has to be a bad dream. Ryan wraps his arms around the younger boy, Brendon leaning his head on his shoulder. He cries for god knows how long. He feels weak, like his legs can’t hold him. “He hadn’t done them in months,” Brendon says, his voice not wanting to work.

“We can’t do anything about this now,” Spencer says. He feels terrible about Dallon, but he’s the one who got addicted. It happens.

“No shit Spencer. Dallon’s dead, and we can’t do shit about it,” Brendon says with a deep, angry voice. He pulls away from Ryan, glaring at Spencer.

“I’m sorry about that. Look dude, I talked to him and tried to help. He just went too far with it,” Spencer explains. Brendon pushes Spencer into the wall behind him.

“You should have stopped giving him the fucking drugs then,” Brendon fires back. Ryan doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want them to fight, but if he tried to break up the fight he would only get hurt.

“I stopped once I saw how bad he was.”

“And when was that? Because he was better. I swear to god if you kept giving him dr-“

“I said I stopped when I saw how bad he was.”

“Then why’d he kill himself?” Brendon asks, trying to calm himself down. He knows why. They all know why. Dallon was depressed. He had been since before high school. Adding drugs to the picture helped him, until the addition happened. He was strong enough to quit, but it only made his depression worse.

“I don’t know. Probably said why in some note he left.”

“He didn’t leave one.”

“Okay. Look. I don’t know why he killed himself. I do know that blaming me isn’t going to make you feel better. Dallon did what he thought was best for him.”

“Fuck that,” Brendon growls.

“It’s the truth you need to hear.”

“Defending suicide isn’t the truth. It’s an excuse,” Ryan intervenes. Brendon glances at him.

“If Dallon thought it was the best way then it is the truth.”

“How would you know?” Brendon asks.

“I don’t,” Spencer answers. Ryan’s arms wrap around Brendon’s chest, pulling him away from Spencer.

“We should go,” Ryan says. Brendon walks out the front door, with Ryan behind him.

“I’m sorry,” Brendon says.

“You’re hurting...don’t be sorry.”

“I almost punched Spencer...”

“I know. You’re upset though,” Ryan says. He doesn’t know what to say to help Brendon.

“This sucks.”

“I know. I’ll be by your side. I won’t leave you,” Ryan says. Brendon grabs his hand again. They walk into Ryan’s house. It’s almost dark now. “Do you want any food?” Ryan asks once they’re in his room. Brendon shakes his head. Food sounds terrible right now.

“I don’t think I could keep any down,” Brendon admits, climbing into Ryan’s bed. The boys would always sleep together at sleepovers, even when Dallon was there. Ryan climbs in next to him. They both fall asleep. Brendon wakes up to Ryan spooning him from behind.

“Ryan?” Brendon whispers. Ryan shifts himself, but doesn’t let go of Brendon.

“Hmm?”

“I can’t fall back asleep,” Brendon whispers. It’s a childish thing to say, but it’s true. Ryan sits up, pulling Brendon with him.

“Okay. Why don’t we eat? It doesn’t have to be much, but we need too,” Ryan answers.

“Okay.”

<><><><>(three days later)

Brendon hasn’t been home since the hospital called him. He doesn’t want to either. Ryan is the only thing keeping him grounded. If he leaves for only a few minutes, Brendon is scared of what he might do.

“Ryan?” Brendon asks. Ryan’s sleeping form moves.

“Go back to bed,” Ryan grunts.

“I gotta tell you something,” Brendon says. He’s nervous. He loved Dallon, but he wants to feel what it’s like to kiss Ryan. Maybe admitting his feelings for Ryan will help, even if it’s just to himself. The timing is awful, but Brendon needs Ryan.

“What?”

“Sit up,” Brendon instructs. Ryan listens, confused as to why Brendon needs him to sit up. He’s exhausted, but it seems that sleep isn’t helping one bit.

“What is it Brendon?” Ryan asks. He’s slightly annoyed. He just wants to sleep. Brendon bites his lower lip, his eyes glancing at Ryan’s lips. Brendon leans in, connecting their lips. Ryan wraps his arms around the younger boy, accepting the kiss. He doesn’t know why he does. Brendon pulls away.

“That wasn’t my emotions fucking with me. It wasn’t an impulse,” Brendon defends himself. If Brendon wasn’t acting on impulse, then what the hell does this mean? Ryan is more than okay with Brendon kissing him, but is it too soon?

“What does this mean?” Ryan asks. He looks at Brendon, whose face is flush and his eyes carrying worry.

“We both feel the same for each other.”

“I know, but Dallon...is it too quick to start dating someone else?”

“It doesn’t have to be dating right now,” Brendon says. He wants Ryan, he always has. But then he feel for Dallon. He tried to push away his feelings for Ryan, but it didn’t work.

“Then what will we be?”

“I don’t care what our label is. I just want to stay with you,” Brendon says, leaning against Ryan. They’ve always been like this; Brendon never wanting to leave ryan and Ryan feeling the same.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Ryan promises.

<><><><>(10 years later)

“Isn’t this a little too sad to do on your wedding day?” Spencer asks. He’s sitting in the back of Ryan’s grey Chevy Tahoe. They pull into the cemetery where Dallon is buried. Shortly after Brendon told Spencer about what happened to Dallon, they made up, Brendon feeling terrible and just wanted Spencer to not hate him. Spencer forgave him.

“It may be sad, but we owe it to him,” Ryan replies. Ryan proposed to Brendon six months ago. Spencer, as soon as he found out, immediately started wedding planning.

“I know we do,” Spencer says. Ryan parks his car near Dallon’s grave. They get out into the warm evening.

“What are we gonna say?” Ryan asks.

“I wrote something....here goes nothing...  
Dallon,

I don’t know if you can see this...if you can see us. Today Ryan and I got married. It’s the best day of my life. I don’t understand how life works, but I do know this...life is unfair. We know that first hand. But for how unfair it is, if you dig deep enough the good makes up for the bad. You were the good and bad Dallon. Ryan is just the good. Spencer, god love him, he’s both good and bad. I don’t know about Spencer or Ryan, but I’ve worked hard to fix myself. It’s taken me ten years to let go of you completely, and even now, it’s still hard. It’s hard to let go of the people you love. But I’ve moved on. Thank you Dallon for teaching me how to love. Without you, I wouldn’t be here today. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t love Ryan. It’s been a rough few years, but we did it. Dallon, you deserved so much more. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for us. We owe it to you to live happy lives. Goodbye Dallon,” Brendon says. Ryan leans into his husband. It has been hard for them to move on. For them to accept that life wasn’t good enough for Dallon. But they did it.

“Thank you Dallon,” Ryan whispers. No matter how hard we try, we can’t garuntee perfect lives. When there is darkness all around you, you have to find the good and the light in yourself.


End file.
